The Toast Yelling with Mark and Bob: If X Were Your Y

03Jun16

With love to Movie Yelling and If X Were Your Y.

 

banner and stark

 

MARK: THEY ARE SHUTTING DOWN THE TOAST ON JULY ONE AND I AM STILL NOT ON IT THIS IS TERRIBLE

BOB: buy a toaster? I’m confused

MARK: The Toast? Mallory Ortberg and the Nicoles? Don’t play dumb, you know what I’m talking about.

BOB: OH MALLORY, the creepy kids stories that make my skin crawl, yes, got it. That’s really sad, but I’m sure she’ll post creepy stuff somewhere else, what’s the big deal?

MARK: But it won’t be THE TOAST anymore, and I’ve been really looking forward to the next installment of a bunch of things.

BOB: you’ll get over it

MARK: BUT I’VE NEVER BEEN THE X IN “IF X WERE YOUR Y”, AND NOW I NEVER WILL BE

BOB: Let me get this straight, you’re complaining that one of your favorite websites never paid anyone to fantasize about you so they could publish it? That’s pretty self-aggrandizing, and when the person telling you that is ME, you probably need to, I believe the phrase is, check yourself before you wreck yourself?

MARK: The number of people who starred in MCU movies that were featured is pretty high, Bob. Hell, Evans and Hayley were two of the very first!

BOB: it’s not my fault that solanga prefers pitching content about captain america

MARK: Sulagna.

BOB: what?

MARK: SULAGNA, you got her name wrong. And she has more insight into this universe than some of the people who have DIRECTED some of these pictures, but that’s not the point. She’s not the only one who writes content about Marvel for The Toast! Nicole Chung wrote about Helen Cho, and I liked it so much that I even tweeted about it, even though I generally save twitter for content I think will help…

BOB: SAVE THE WORLD, yes, I know how worked up you are about climate change. Speaking of which, it’s sort of weird that climate change is the ONLY thing I’ve heard you get THIS worked up about. Okay, well, maybe that and when you found out that they really aren’t going to make a Black Widow movie. Although I suppose Scarlett making seven times more money than you did for Ultron probably softened that blow for her.

MARK: Says the guy who made fourteen times more than me for that film, we’re not having that argument again, you’re trying to distract me. Colbie. Gweneth. Idris. Hiddleston. Even PRATT. Lupita, before she even signed up for Black Panther. And none of them even read The Toast.

BOB: To be fair, the Gweneth one was pretty creepy.

MARK: The Gweneth one was pretty accurate, which, again, not the point. I love the way their BRAINS work. I want to know what the beautiful idealized version of me would be like. I want to read about teaching kids to ride bikes and getting arrested for protesting fracking and hanging out with Elizabeth Warren and the way I would kiss the back of their necks as they were doing the dishes and then help dry things and one thing would lead to another….

BOB: WOW, OVERSHARE, and also, assuming facts not in evidence.

MARK: despite what you tell instagram, we’re not actually science bros, what are you talking about???

BOB: You’re assuming it would be If Mark Ruffalo Were Your Boyfriend.

MARK: …. yes????????

BOB: It might be If Mark Ruffalo Were your Stepdad, or Professor or something. Colbert’s only a few years older than you and he got “dad” treatment.

MARK: [stiffly] Harrison. Ford.

BOB: They’ve been lusting after Han Solo for most of their lives, they didn’t know you existed until Avengers. You’ve always been old to them, and they’re not exactly big on the troubling power dynamic between a 22 year old woman with a middle aged movie star.

MARK: The idea that the audience of The Toast is exclusively early-twenty-somethings is a myth, there are PLENTY of older women, and besides–

BOB: WAIT.

MARK: What?

BOB: DOES THIS MEAN WE DON’T GET ANY MORE TWO MONKS? I LOVED THOSE GUYS. THIS IS NOT OKAY.

MARK: Well, at least now you’re as upset as I am.

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